what a week

(and looking into your eyes is my escape from the world)

sometimes the only escape to the bad stuff is thinking or feeling you.
alot of unfortunate things happen.and i was staying at venus place for 4 days
honestly i was very well taken care of by her mum and venus.
like when i did closing venus would wait up for me till i get home like at 2am
and make sure i got food to eat.
sometimes it feels nice to be looked after
well venus was truly family this 4 days
and thanks to her cute mum and funny brothers/
im back home
and yes i miss my bed
bet venus misses her's too.
things have finally settled and life
goes on.
recently things have been rather weird for me
and i cant identify or know what im feeling
i know that i dont think of anyone but you still
but i feel weird around someone new.
anyway life goes on.
and i just want to let these small feelings go
before i get hurt.

i still miss you
and i just want it to stop
people asked
if i knew it wld be this hard now
would i have stopped it from happening
i guess i figured the answer
i rather had one experience with you
then a whole lifetime without it.



i still love you.

LOVE, AGRESSION ,ANGER,FRUSTRATION AND PAIN

Maybe the anger and the frustration
is just blocking the fact that im
really missing you.
and that there is this ach inside
maybe the frustration is just me
trying to forget how im actually mad
with you more than anyone else
sometimes i wish you could see
that it isnt easy for me.

and you know its because of you
venus is getting things she doesnt deserve.
you know venus is the one person that takes so
much from me.
im so sorry pal i truely am.


i hate the way you make me feel sometimes
like life is worth living and all happy and great
when its not that great at all.
i hate how i really want to leave but cant.
i hate how you have freeking no idea that you
caused a small ach in my heart.

you know whats weird
how f%@*&%$ ignorant humans can be.
today i was standing in the train
and a indian pregnant lady was just standing there
no one even bothered to give her a seat
even though they are sitting on the priority seat
please lar
your such a ignorant bastered
your so young and strong and you cant even stand
what the hell is wrong with your damn brain man!
that lady was looking so tired and weak you know.
bloody asshole pissed the shit out of me
he had no freeking balls do be a gentlemen.


and yet again when i feel so mad
and i feeling like hitting something
or throwing something
i think of you
and i think of what you would say to me
to make me better
what the hells wrong with me right?
like i should go check my head right
life and THE f$%^&*$#
THING CALLED IRONY

its been long

well its been sometime since i blogged.
i guess i just been caught up.
today i kind off feel like letting things out.
2010 has been great so far.things have been slow.
work, fun, church, tv ,movies and the cycle repeats itself.
i like work and sometimes its annoying.but i know people there are great
and nice and fun.im just getting use to it.

things have been rather rough lately.
like maybe i dont want things to go too fast.
like i dont want to face reality
or i am stopping myself from seeing it.
either way its beating the shit out of me.

i cant believe i am sacrificing my faith for my family
and 3 years is a long time.its painful and sad


sometimes maybe people dont get anything
and its better not to tell sometimes.
i rather build walls nowdays
then have to deal with people not understanding
its only when you know how to feel how that person is feeling
you would understand.if you dont..then dont freeking judge
dont make it seem like it is not and issue cause to that person its everything.

i tried asking myself a million questions today..
but i found no answers.
i think ill leave it up to god.
and ill just pray.

and when we meet,im sure we will,all that was there
wlll be there still,ill let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that i moved on




at one point your were that wonderwall.
now you are what i am today.